Feeling Lonely and Unwanted
My name is F. and I am 16 years old. I currently live in a group home that is a locked facility.
The feeling of being lonely and unwanted came when I was 13. My mom had been with her boy friend for a couple years and I felt that he got the attention that I was suppose to be recieving so I started looking for love and acceptance outside of home. Me and my mom seemed to never get a long since the day I could remember, but we did have our good days.
The first time I ran away I wasn't gone long, but let me telll you running away is addictive just like a drug. 7 months after the first time I ran away things got harder, my mom was threatening to send me away and I kept getting in trouble at school. My mom is severely Bipolar(manic depressive), so her mood is always changing. It was so rough on me because I didn't understand what was going on.
The 2nd day before my 14th birthday I decided to run away. I just needed a break from my crazy life. I stayed with a friend from school and she hid me in her basement. The day before my birthday my friend and I went to my boyfriends house and I lost my virginity to him. He was 17 and I was going on 14. The next day(my birthday) my friend told me I had to go because she didnt want to get in trouble with her mom.
So I left and walked to the high school about a 15 minute walk in the middle of a snow storm. My plan was for my boyfriend to pick me up so I can stay with him, but the police came to the high school and made me go home. My mom looked so beat down like she hadn't slept since the day I left, but I was so stubborn that I didnt care. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but things at that time were hard on me.
When my mom found out my boy friend's age she didn't allow me to see or talk to him so I decided that I wasn't doing good in school so it didnt matter if I went or not. I started to skip school to see my boyfriend. 3 months passed and my mom didn't know that I wasn't going to school until april 22,2003, when she watched me walk away from my bus stop.
When I got home at about 3:30pm she had all my bags packed and drove me to the Department of Social Services. From there I went to a foster home but that didn't last because when I broke up with my boyfriend (my first), I started hanging out all night with a close guy friend and all his friends, so the foster parents kicked me out and then I went to a group home. There I stayed for 5 months, doing exceptionally well and formed a better relationship with my mom, or at least that's what I thought.
On nov.3,2003 I had court so I can be reunified with my mother but she never showed up so I wasn't able to return home. I felt abandoned, unloved, unwanted and afraid of what would happen next. Once again I started skipping school and then report cards came and I failed all my classes. The staff at the group home were confused cause I went from a 3.38GPA to a 0.0GPA.
I felt like I failed, so me and another girl ran away. We were both feeling lost and alone. We met these two guys and we stayed with them. In order to keep my shelter there I had sex with him, but when I got tired of him I just went from house to house but it was the same with every male, they expect something in return for food and shelter. When I felt tired, beat up, used and abused I went home to my mom.
I went home with a dislocated shoulder, the possibility of having std's and a possibility of being pregnant. My mom said I 'd be able to live back home but DSS over ruled her and sent me here to this locked facility. I 've been here for a year and 5 months off and on, and I have ran away 3 times since then. It's a hard habit to break and it comes with so many dangerous behaviors. You have to do things you'd never imagine just to survive.