I Was a Wannabe

Ever since I was little I had loved music and rock n roll especially and soon I wanted to be a rock star a wannabe rock star chick.

When I turned 9 years old my dad started drinking and became an alcoholic. My dad before he had any children went to jail for being framed for murder when he was drunk. He had drinking problems in the past not that I ever knew anything about my father's past until now. My father to me was the pastor, the nice guy that loved children and loved to love me. Then when he started drinking and locking himself up my world fell apart. My family seemed to crumble we left my church - it was my life before. Now I had an anger towards everyone, my mom for staying with my dad and putting up with the times he's tried to kill her or hit me and my sisters. Then at church people for judging me. Then my dad for betraying me.

At 13 I started hanging around the kids that were seen as bad ass rebels. I started partying and it was all to give my family a big fuck you. I wanted revenge but I also wanted to escape. I smoked weed, did coke, and I started drinking alot to the point of alcohol poisoning. I had sex with so many different people just to feel loved but it also gave me this feeling of release whenever I did something wrong to my parents and everyone else that had let me down. I had so many breakdowns where I would hit my head agains the walls and give myself bruises, suicide attempts, and times I would cut my wrists. At 14 I started dating a 23 year old and decided to go to Jacksonville with him one weekend I told my mom I was at a friend's house and left with him. I had a breakdown in Jacksonville and my boyfriend freaked out and abused me. I ran away from him and I knew I couldn't call my parents so I decided to run.

From Jacksonville I hitched a ride to Georgia and got a bus ticket to Seattle. I liked the band Nirvana so I figured that would be a good place to go since alot of similar bands started there. When I got there I had no place to go or anything. So I met the street kids. There wasn't any gangs or anything where I was, it was just street kids trying to make it and most of them were druggies. I lost alot of weight I am 5'1 and I weighed 85 pounds. I was extremely thin. I have asthma so in the cold Seattle I would always be coughing and with my nasal drip I'd have the acid from that making me throw up.

It seemed like a few days had only gone by but it was months. I thought it would be so glamorous. But then I was raped by 3 men. After that I was sure I had AIDS so I got tested. Turns out I didn't and I was lucky. Soon I met a 21 year old that had an apartment and a band. It seemed like a dream. I started playing in his band. He made me have sex with him to play in his band though. I put up with him though. The band never made it anywhere and he kicked me out.

At 15 I developed a bronchitis and I got extremely sick. I passed out and woke up in the hospital. At the point they kept asking me where my parents were and told them in Florida looking for me. They got my name and called my parents. I kind of told the nurse my whole life story and what happened. My parents were on their way when I freaked out. I snuck out of the hospital and back to a friend's house.

I decided to kill myself because I wasn't going anywhere. It seemed like the same old thing I thought it would be different. I was once again trying to kill myself because I had been hurt by men. If not my father it's my boyfriend. And once again I felt hopeless and needy.I stopped at a friends house to get some Heroin with the money I had stolen from the hospital bed next to me. I overdosed on the Heroin and next thing I knew I was back in the hospital. My friend had walked outside his door and saw me pale and curled up on the floor. My mom was there now and so was my dad. I felt trapped again.

I am now 16 years old and am going to get my GED. I still feel the same way - trapped and I'm still a wannabe, but maybe I should plan things out better. Because my runaway trip has traumatized me. Rape, sex, drugz, rock n roll, it's alot to deal with. But for me the most important is always rock n roll.

Back to Runaway Lives Stories