|
There Was No Where To Turn So many people will tell you that running away doesn't solve anything, that it is just a way to escape your problems, there is always another choice, but sometimes there isn't. For years my mother and step-father have been alcoholics, 3 or 4 nights a week they would go out and get drunk, when they came home I took care of them, made them food, coffee, and sent them to bed. I couldn't sleep if they were out drinking. I would worry, I couldn't sleep until they were home in bed and asleep. I ran the household, dealt with the money problems, any emergencies (which there were alot of) made the major descions and dealt with mental and emotional abuse as well as emotional neglect. I became so detached I could tell counslers just what was wrong with me.I self-diagnosed myself and after intense studies, they proved me right. I tried once to seek counseling with my family's premission after that.. I went behind their back, I talk to many different counselers, most of them rather bad but a couple that really tried to help. One especially, he came to my school and did an assembly on drug and alcohol abuse. It took me awhile to work up my nerve but afterwards I talked with him for a min. and ended up skipping my last class to wait for him to finish his last lecture. We talked, I told him my story and finally he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said he didn't know how to help me. The abuse I lived with isn't something that can be proven. I kept in contact a couple more times, looking into emancipation and other things but finally the truth came out, from him as well as other counselers, there was no help for me. No way to end the abuse. I tried talking to my family, tried begging, pleading. I watched my sleep all but disappear, my depression grew each day until finally that last week I was taking prescription pain pills just to try to sleep at night, just to mess up my head enough I didn't care. Every night I took those pills I fought the urge to finish off the bottle and when I was out of it enough to use a knife and slit my wrists, I knew exactly how to do it to make it quick. But I had given my word to people that I wouldn't and my word was the one thing that is worthwhile about me. That last night I couldn't do it anymore. We had just gotten home for a party, they were drunk again and passed out, they had spent the night urging me to befriend this rich lawyer boy that was about 8 yrs older than me, that creeped me out. It was end it or leave. I chose to leave. I had been planning to for six years and finally I left. I found a home when I left, the only one I have ever known. I found people that love me, that support me. I found a place and relearned how to cry, something I had stopped doing a long, long time ago. I found people that take care of me when I get sick (much to my objection!) I have alot things to work through, alot of healing, and somethings will never go away. I will always cringe at yelling, I will never drink. I know I'm not worth anything, though stating it here I get into some major trouble, because they think I am. I think they're delusional. I called my parents about a months ago, two months after leaving. My mother tried to tell me that I left because I had problems, that if I came back they would fix everything, I could seek counseling.. but they were my problems, no one had anything to do with them. For the first time in my life I ended up defending myself, until I hung up. I've called once since then and will again soon. It's part of the deal, to make it so I don't have to run again. I love my family, but I will never go back. I would never wish that torment on anyone. I'm starting to sleep sometimes now, I don't have to be perfect, some nights I just start crying, slowly letting myself feel again. What
happened back with my family hurt me everyday, it's a constant ache in
my chest, but there are people who love me, who wouldn't let me leave
here to go to the streets no matter if it put them in danger of cops.
Running away should always be the very,very last resort and there is almost
always some way to handle it otherwise. But there are good people out
there as well, that want to help. Running away was the best decision of
my life. |